Scribbling
by AprilOfTheStars
Summary: The writing of a dying man can reveal many things about his character. In the case of Matthew Holt, it documents and discusses the short amount of time spent with the most important person in his life. Written right after the reveal of Adam, and about him and Shiro but from Matt’s POV. No OC, but Adam doesnt have a tag yet. Rated K but talks about death so be careful.


**I wasn't really planning on posting this right now, but it's 1am and I'm wasting my life on YouTube watching Voltron videos, so I might as well make my contribution to the fandom pre S7. This is a one-shot I wrote (technically it could probably be considered a long drabble) the day I found out about Adam, which was a few days ago but this just finished being edited by fellow author Kenobi1. She's awesome and has lots of Shiro angst on her account so go read her stories!**

 **Anyway, this story is about Adam and Shiro, but from Matt's POV. I obviously don't know how he feels about them in canon but this is my interpretation of him as a third wheel. It's probably just really choppy ramblings because I wrote it at like 2am but I believe Obi and I fixed all the grammar mistakes. If not I apologize. This is also slightly AU, set as if Shiro died in season 2 and wasn't able to be revived in season 6. I've got nothing else to say, so enjoy!**

 **Obligatory Disclaimer: Voltron is not mine to command. (Trollhunters reference anyone?)**

When I was 10, I met Takashi Shirogane. We were best friends from the start. We did everything together, and we were inseparable.

When we were fifteen, we enrolled in the Galaxy Garrison, together of course. We both got in.

By the time we were sixteen, I had fallen in love with my best friend. I didn't say anything because I didn't want to risk our friendship.

At seventeen, I had decided. The person next to me in all of my mischief was the person I wanted next to me forever. I wanted to spend my whole life with Shiro, but I was too scared to lose him so I stayed silent. I never should have stayed silent.

When we were eighteen, we met Adam. The three of us got along fine at first, but it soon became clear to me that there was something more between my two friends. Later that year they started dating, and I felt my heart break in half for the first time.

When we were twenty two, Shiro proposed to his boyfriend. I wasn't there, but I heard about it almost immediately. Shiro shared everything with his best friend. And I felt my heart break again.

When we were twenty three, Shiro and I were both selected for the Kerberos Mission. We were ecstatic that we would get to go together, but Adam wasn't happy at all. He called off his and Shiro's engagement, and Shiro didn't leave his room for days. I had never felt so helpless, but what could I do? I looked too much like Adam, it hurt for Shiro to look at me. Which hurt me even more.

When we turned twenty four, we departed for the Kerberos Mission. Everything was fine, and we made it to Kerberos safely. But it still hurt Shiro to look at me, and I could tell. I was so distanced from him, despite being in such close quarters. It was the worst our relationship had ever been. And then we were abducted by the Galra.

At twenty five, we were forced to fight in their gladiator ring. Shiro injured me before a match, so that I wouldn't have to fight. He saved my life, but when I looked into his eyes, they were vacant. I wasn't sure if he was even seeing me, or if he was saving Adam.

I was separated from Shiro and my father, and rescued from a work camp at twenty six. I thought them both dead for years. My love for Shiro never disappeared, though the pain faded with time. By then, I was helping rebel against the Empire.

When I was twenty seven, I was discovered. I had never been happier to see anyone in my life, and I was so proud of my little sister. She took me to meet Voltron, and who did I see? Shiro. I thought at first that I might end up doing something I regretted, so I hung back. All of my old feelings for my best friend came crashing down on me again, and with it, the pain. But I realized almost immediately that the man in front of me wasn't Shiro. I knew everything about Shiro, all his mannerisms, habits, and nervous tics. The thing in front of me wasn't him.

I went back to the rebel force. Voltron didn't need me, as much as I would have liked to stay with my sister. We kept in contact, and I knew immediately when they were betrayed by Lotor. I was informed that Shiro had been a clone, and the real Takashi Shirogane had died months ago.

I joined Voltron on their quest back to Earth, but when they buried Shiro, well the clone's body, I couldn't do it with them. All I could think was that the form in front of me wasn't the love of my life. It was a copy, and there wasn't even an original to bury. I was struck with the realization that I hadn't seen him since he wounded me to save me, and I would never see him again. And that in our final moments together, he was thinking of Adam.

I sit here, now, on Earth, years later. I am old, seventy four to be exact. I can feel myself dying, and I wanted to write this down before I go. I don't know why, I don't expect this to get anywhere. I'm going to die in my bed, this sitting out on the desk. I don't know who will find it. I have no descendants and I am not married. One of Katie's kids will, I suppose. They ask me sometimes why I never married. This is the reason. There was no one before Shiro, and no one after.

So here it is. My compulsive scribbling from my death bed. A short documentation of my much too short time with Takashi Shirogane. I have no solid reason for writing this. Maybe I wanted to pour my love out on paper. If there is an afterlife, Shiro already knows I love him. I say it all the time, every day. If there isn't an afterlife then it doesn't matter. He will never know anyways. But oh well. It's here now.

I did love Shiro. With all of my heart and soul, and I would have done anything to save him. For a few short years my life was a mix between loving Shiro and hating him, for choosing Adam over me. Even in our last moment together I am not sure he realized that he was saving me. That thought has haunted me for years, but that is a demon I have never defeated. Even if he read all this, I do not believe he would choose me over Adam, and that hurts more than any physical pain I have ever felt. Time doesn't heal wounds at all, and the pain only goes away sometimes. It gets better some days, but when you're alone, or in your bed at night, it hits you as hard as ever.

My time is coming and I will be dead soon. I cannot honestly write that Shiro was the one person in my life who mattered to me, because of course there were others. But he mattered the most, so I write this for him, I suppose. I bid thee my farewell, cruel world. Shiro, if you can some how see this, I'm sorry. I should have told you a long time ago, maybe we would have had a few short years of happiness. But because of my cowardice, we didn't even get a chance. Love is a treacherous affair with more pain than it is worth, but it is addicting. It's like doing something that hurts, but as soon as the pain fades you have the urge to do it again. It is a sentiment that I have never regretted. And one that I never will.

 **So yeah. Pulled out of the depths of my mind way too late at night, we get dying Matt Holt. As a Shatt shipper(although shadam is super cute) I can't help but feel that Matt would be super heartbroken. Even if their relationship is just platonic, I can not get over the idea that Shiro would find it hard to look at Matt after his and Adam's breakup, they just look too much alike! Maybe Shiro has a type :P This started as a short list of him and Shiro's life (by year) and then turned into a letter to no one and then Matt was dying and I just rolled with it. Honestly I think this was the quickest I've ever written a chapter of anything, but I've always loved the idea of writing letters to dead people, it's awesome story material and makes fantastic angst. Unfortunately I've already seen it done for Sherlock otherwise I'd totally do it there. Ugh remember how I said it was 1am? It's 1:30 now, I've been writing to y'all for half an hour. I hope you enjoyed! This is literally all just me rambling ;)**

 **~April**


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